Another Week Down

I can't believe I haven't posted since last Monday. I had my 3rd beta on Saturday, 19dp5dt. Unfortunately, they didn't order the lab results stat, so we had to wait till yesterday afternoon. Zach was getting a little nervous we hadn't heard anything, but I felt pretty queasy most of yesterday, so I was certain I was still pregnant. I forget he doesn't get the constant reassurance from his body and is dependent on me to communicate stuff. I don't want to complain as that gets really old, but I do just need to give updates. Anyway, it turned out great at 4500. They were wanting anywhere over 1500, so we are still in the game. We will have an U/S next Monday.

So far, the past 2 weeks have felt identical to my pregnancy with Sawyer. I remain hopeful that everything is ok and put my trust in God that He is in charge. It is still a bummer no one knows, but I ordered custom m&ms this week to send to grandparents. They are pink and blue and they say "coming 12/24/08" Just having them ordered makes it feel real!

My stomach looks like I'm 9 or 10 weeks along. I guess I'm already stretched out from the first one. I'm not sure if I'll actually be able to cover it up for too much longer! That is about all for now!

i need a nap

We just said goodbye to my FIL this morning. We didn't tell him, but I'm afraid he might have thought I was not very hospitable. I definitely had no energy this weekend to hang out with the guys. I took a 2 hour nap on saturday and then went to bed at 9:00. I fought it yesterday not to seem tired, but I didn't do a great job. Zach finally told him this morning that I hadn't been feeling very good. It was a hard weekend to have company as my body is starting to do weird things. I'm praying that Sawyer will hang on to his naps for a few more months. I know that is alot to ask since most kids drop their naps by this age. I feel the best when I wake up in the morning and then I actually want to take a nap by 10:30. I'm still good on the nauseous thing. So anyway, I'm happy to have our house back so I can be lazy and not feel bad. Zach keeps laughing at me. he loves all the quirks that I have right now. It makes him so happy that there is going to be a baby.

I was asked 2months ago to do a devotion at our Women's Tea. I have been struggling with what to say as all this "stuff" has been on my heart and mind. I don't want the devotion to be about me and my struggles, but to talk about what God does in the midst of hard times. the peace that he gives us in the middle of our turmoil. I do want to tell them a little about our journey, leaving the technical medical part out, so they can relate to me that I've been through something hard. I'm kind of babbling, but hopefully you can catch a glimpse of what I'm trying to say. God does hear us when we cry out. The answer may not be as quick as we like or meet the criteria we had in mind.

A Little Shocked Still

It has been 4 days since we found out and still hasn't sunk in yet. I think for so long I prepared myself to have one child. Even after Sawyer was born, I remember holding him and thinking I may never get to do this again. Every stage he went through, I cherished so much because it could be the only time. The past year and a half, I have been giving baby stuff away left and right. My maternity clothes have made the rounds and I have 2 pairs of pants left. I never have had to ask for them back. In fact, my friend has used them twice since they were in my possession. Two months ago, I finally went through his baby clothes and gave them to my friend that is having a baby boy. I cried as I sorted it, I cried after I packed it, I cried after the box drove home in her car. I only kept his shoes. All that I have is a pack and play for other little ones to use when they come over, but I was ready to toss that too. Even going through IVF, I knew it could work, but I never really thought past our treatment. I'm not sure if I didn't allow myself to go there in my mind or I really just didn't think about it. I forgot about the whole pregnancy thing. I forgot about labor. I forgot. Did I just block that part out of my life because it was too sad to think I would never get to do it again? My DH found himself in the same boat as me too. He admitted to not thinking much past our treatment. So it may sound as if we aren't totally ecstatic, but we are. I think we are in shock still.

We haven't told anyone yet, so that makes it seem like it is our imagination too. FIL is coming for the weekend and we probably won't say anything yet either. I've been feeling pretty good, I just get lightheaded when I haven't eaten and all the other stuff I mentioned is still the same. Symptoms are great though! it makes me secure that things are moving along ok. i never had a flat tummy after Sawyer, but it was alright. Now I just look pretty bloated. I'm sure it is going to look lumpy for awile, but I'm ok with that! I got my new shipment of progesterone shots yesterday, so here we go!

Psalm 40

"I waited patiently for the Lord, He turned and heard my cry. He picked me up out of the pit, out of the miry clay, He made my footsteps firm. I will sing a new song, many will see and fear." Psalm 40.



We did wait, not so patiently, but a wait, yes. I was expecting the Dr. to call after 4:00 this afternoon, since my tests were sent from the collecting lab to the hospital than to the Dr. and then wait for a nurse to have a spare moment. I planned a busy morning with lots of errands and was shocked when my cell phone rang at Costco and it wasn't my hubby. I had already talked to him twice this morning already as he was just as antsy I was.


In the middle of Costco the nurse gave me the best news ever. There I was picking out bagels with streams of tears running down my face. I live in a smaller town and you always see people you know, so I had to pull it together. I'm sure I was getting looks as we discussed my additional suppositories and shots.

I know my blog was set up for the sole purpose to empty out my feelings and document an incredible journey no matter the outcome. I never expected to have the total blessing of a reader (now readers) that would encourage me and root for me the whole way. Thank you for your prayers and positive thoughts. It meant so much to have a friend through this ordeal. Thnak you for the advice of waiting for my results and not testing at home. My Dr. tests pretty early and my levels may not have even registered on a stick. My first beta was 35 and second 90. those numbers were really close to Sawyer's. All that matters is that it doubled!

I didn't come up with a creative way to tell Zach. When we've been through so much, I just wanted to tell him. I convinced him to have lunch with me so I could tell him in person. he was blown away.

I'm not sure why I felt so much calmer this time. God granted me a total peace and helped me rely on my intuition. For our frozen embryo tranfer, I was pretty negative. I didn't feel good about it the whole time. This time was so different! I was actually feeling like symptoms were starting this week, but I didn't want to read too much into it. I'm always tired at night, but this week I wanted to go back to bed at 9 am. My sense of smell is very heightened. My chest remains to be sore and grow(it didn't for the FET)I'm still crampy which I'm understanding to be the uterus stretching. Getting up at 3 am to go to the bathroom. I didn't have any morning sickness with Sawyer, so I wasn't really expecting that.

I'm so glad I get to post the news as we are probably going to wait to tell others. So YEAH! I don't think it has sunk in yet. I took a nap this afternoon and I thought I was dreaming that I got good news, but I woke up to the realization of truth!

A Reflection

I came across a journal entry today that documented our first IVF. I don't remember writing all the details. I'm so glad that I did. Here is a small blurb:
On Thursday October3, 2003, we had our 2nd beta. I was convinced it would be negative. I knew there was a small chance that it could work, but we had waited so long and had so many disappointments. Bad news was more likely than good news. We requested the Dr. call Zach on the cell so I didn't have to deal with the bad news by myself. Zach didn't get home until 6:00, I think my heart was skipping beats all day. He got out of the truck, gave me a huge hug and told me we were pregnant! We both cried in disbelief, excitement, releif and joy. That night I tried to make a 10 minute meal and it took an hour because my mind was so scattered.

I admit today my heart seems to be skipping beats again. Last night I went to the store and had a prenancy test in hand. I ended up putting it back. I decided I didn't want to spend $10 on something that could shatter me. I voted to save $10 and have one more day to believe I'm pregnant.

Feeling Good Today

I woke up again at 3:30 and fell back to sleep at 5:30, just when DS came into our room. We have been working on nightime potty training and some mornings he can't make it all the way. He'll change his clothes and then crawl into our bed. I don't mind, but today he didn't go back to sleep. I guess we'll be taking naps again today!

Even though I'm tired, I feel really good about everything today. I will go to the lab soon and then hang out with the little man today. I wish I was capable of not reading into every twinge and change in my body. I've been pretty crampy yesterday afternoon and a little this morning. There are other things, but all the medications can play tricks on you.

I just wanted to document to date: 54 shots....I'm hoping it won't stop at 56!

it was a tough one!

Today has been hard! This has probably been the hardest day yet. I think it just dawned on me today that this really could fail. I've been at peace and very positive the whole time, but now that it is getting so close, I am starting to do that self preservation thinking. As we worshipped this morning (again, surrounded by babies and pregnancies) I fought back tears. It is so hard when they are right there and you know if you let go, it isn't going to stop.

I made it through and told dh, it was a tough one. He is so positive! I love him for it. He thinks we should take a test, but I'm hesitant. My first beta with DS was really low, like 20 something, so it may not even register on a test. I think we will just wait. So this afternoon I took a nice nap and was quiet to the voices in my head. Tommorow is my first beta, but they don't give results until the second beta on Wednesday. They want to see the numbers increase before they say anything.

Hoping to stay sane and love my last few days of pretending to be pregnant!