Another Week Down

I can't believe I haven't posted since last Monday. I had my 3rd beta on Saturday, 19dp5dt. Unfortunately, they didn't order the lab results stat, so we had to wait till yesterday afternoon. Zach was getting a little nervous we hadn't heard anything, but I felt pretty queasy most of yesterday, so I was certain I was still pregnant. I forget he doesn't get the constant reassurance from his body and is dependent on me to communicate stuff. I don't want to complain as that gets really old, but I do just need to give updates. Anyway, it turned out great at 4500. They were wanting anywhere over 1500, so we are still in the game. We will have an U/S next Monday.

So far, the past 2 weeks have felt identical to my pregnancy with Sawyer. I remain hopeful that everything is ok and put my trust in God that He is in charge. It is still a bummer no one knows, but I ordered custom m&ms this week to send to grandparents. They are pink and blue and they say "coming 12/24/08" Just having them ordered makes it feel real!

My stomach looks like I'm 9 or 10 weeks along. I guess I'm already stretched out from the first one. I'm not sure if I'll actually be able to cover it up for too much longer! That is about all for now!

i need a nap

We just said goodbye to my FIL this morning. We didn't tell him, but I'm afraid he might have thought I was not very hospitable. I definitely had no energy this weekend to hang out with the guys. I took a 2 hour nap on saturday and then went to bed at 9:00. I fought it yesterday not to seem tired, but I didn't do a great job. Zach finally told him this morning that I hadn't been feeling very good. It was a hard weekend to have company as my body is starting to do weird things. I'm praying that Sawyer will hang on to his naps for a few more months. I know that is alot to ask since most kids drop their naps by this age. I feel the best when I wake up in the morning and then I actually want to take a nap by 10:30. I'm still good on the nauseous thing. So anyway, I'm happy to have our house back so I can be lazy and not feel bad. Zach keeps laughing at me. he loves all the quirks that I have right now. It makes him so happy that there is going to be a baby.

I was asked 2months ago to do a devotion at our Women's Tea. I have been struggling with what to say as all this "stuff" has been on my heart and mind. I don't want the devotion to be about me and my struggles, but to talk about what God does in the midst of hard times. the peace that he gives us in the middle of our turmoil. I do want to tell them a little about our journey, leaving the technical medical part out, so they can relate to me that I've been through something hard. I'm kind of babbling, but hopefully you can catch a glimpse of what I'm trying to say. God does hear us when we cry out. The answer may not be as quick as we like or meet the criteria we had in mind.

A Little Shocked Still

It has been 4 days since we found out and still hasn't sunk in yet. I think for so long I prepared myself to have one child. Even after Sawyer was born, I remember holding him and thinking I may never get to do this again. Every stage he went through, I cherished so much because it could be the only time. The past year and a half, I have been giving baby stuff away left and right. My maternity clothes have made the rounds and I have 2 pairs of pants left. I never have had to ask for them back. In fact, my friend has used them twice since they were in my possession. Two months ago, I finally went through his baby clothes and gave them to my friend that is having a baby boy. I cried as I sorted it, I cried after I packed it, I cried after the box drove home in her car. I only kept his shoes. All that I have is a pack and play for other little ones to use when they come over, but I was ready to toss that too. Even going through IVF, I knew it could work, but I never really thought past our treatment. I'm not sure if I didn't allow myself to go there in my mind or I really just didn't think about it. I forgot about the whole pregnancy thing. I forgot about labor. I forgot. Did I just block that part out of my life because it was too sad to think I would never get to do it again? My DH found himself in the same boat as me too. He admitted to not thinking much past our treatment. So it may sound as if we aren't totally ecstatic, but we are. I think we are in shock still.

We haven't told anyone yet, so that makes it seem like it is our imagination too. FIL is coming for the weekend and we probably won't say anything yet either. I've been feeling pretty good, I just get lightheaded when I haven't eaten and all the other stuff I mentioned is still the same. Symptoms are great though! it makes me secure that things are moving along ok. i never had a flat tummy after Sawyer, but it was alright. Now I just look pretty bloated. I'm sure it is going to look lumpy for awile, but I'm ok with that! I got my new shipment of progesterone shots yesterday, so here we go!

Psalm 40

"I waited patiently for the Lord, He turned and heard my cry. He picked me up out of the pit, out of the miry clay, He made my footsteps firm. I will sing a new song, many will see and fear." Psalm 40.



We did wait, not so patiently, but a wait, yes. I was expecting the Dr. to call after 4:00 this afternoon, since my tests were sent from the collecting lab to the hospital than to the Dr. and then wait for a nurse to have a spare moment. I planned a busy morning with lots of errands and was shocked when my cell phone rang at Costco and it wasn't my hubby. I had already talked to him twice this morning already as he was just as antsy I was.


In the middle of Costco the nurse gave me the best news ever. There I was picking out bagels with streams of tears running down my face. I live in a smaller town and you always see people you know, so I had to pull it together. I'm sure I was getting looks as we discussed my additional suppositories and shots.

I know my blog was set up for the sole purpose to empty out my feelings and document an incredible journey no matter the outcome. I never expected to have the total blessing of a reader (now readers) that would encourage me and root for me the whole way. Thank you for your prayers and positive thoughts. It meant so much to have a friend through this ordeal. Thnak you for the advice of waiting for my results and not testing at home. My Dr. tests pretty early and my levels may not have even registered on a stick. My first beta was 35 and second 90. those numbers were really close to Sawyer's. All that matters is that it doubled!

I didn't come up with a creative way to tell Zach. When we've been through so much, I just wanted to tell him. I convinced him to have lunch with me so I could tell him in person. he was blown away.

I'm not sure why I felt so much calmer this time. God granted me a total peace and helped me rely on my intuition. For our frozen embryo tranfer, I was pretty negative. I didn't feel good about it the whole time. This time was so different! I was actually feeling like symptoms were starting this week, but I didn't want to read too much into it. I'm always tired at night, but this week I wanted to go back to bed at 9 am. My sense of smell is very heightened. My chest remains to be sore and grow(it didn't for the FET)I'm still crampy which I'm understanding to be the uterus stretching. Getting up at 3 am to go to the bathroom. I didn't have any morning sickness with Sawyer, so I wasn't really expecting that.

I'm so glad I get to post the news as we are probably going to wait to tell others. So YEAH! I don't think it has sunk in yet. I took a nap this afternoon and I thought I was dreaming that I got good news, but I woke up to the realization of truth!

A Reflection

I came across a journal entry today that documented our first IVF. I don't remember writing all the details. I'm so glad that I did. Here is a small blurb:
On Thursday October3, 2003, we had our 2nd beta. I was convinced it would be negative. I knew there was a small chance that it could work, but we had waited so long and had so many disappointments. Bad news was more likely than good news. We requested the Dr. call Zach on the cell so I didn't have to deal with the bad news by myself. Zach didn't get home until 6:00, I think my heart was skipping beats all day. He got out of the truck, gave me a huge hug and told me we were pregnant! We both cried in disbelief, excitement, releif and joy. That night I tried to make a 10 minute meal and it took an hour because my mind was so scattered.

I admit today my heart seems to be skipping beats again. Last night I went to the store and had a prenancy test in hand. I ended up putting it back. I decided I didn't want to spend $10 on something that could shatter me. I voted to save $10 and have one more day to believe I'm pregnant.

Feeling Good Today

I woke up again at 3:30 and fell back to sleep at 5:30, just when DS came into our room. We have been working on nightime potty training and some mornings he can't make it all the way. He'll change his clothes and then crawl into our bed. I don't mind, but today he didn't go back to sleep. I guess we'll be taking naps again today!

Even though I'm tired, I feel really good about everything today. I will go to the lab soon and then hang out with the little man today. I wish I was capable of not reading into every twinge and change in my body. I've been pretty crampy yesterday afternoon and a little this morning. There are other things, but all the medications can play tricks on you.

I just wanted to document to date: 54 shots....I'm hoping it won't stop at 56!

it was a tough one!

Today has been hard! This has probably been the hardest day yet. I think it just dawned on me today that this really could fail. I've been at peace and very positive the whole time, but now that it is getting so close, I am starting to do that self preservation thinking. As we worshipped this morning (again, surrounded by babies and pregnancies) I fought back tears. It is so hard when they are right there and you know if you let go, it isn't going to stop.

I made it through and told dh, it was a tough one. He is so positive! I love him for it. He thinks we should take a test, but I'm hesitant. My first beta with DS was really low, like 20 something, so it may not even register on a test. I think we will just wait. So this afternoon I took a nice nap and was quiet to the voices in my head. Tommorow is my first beta, but they don't give results until the second beta on Wednesday. They want to see the numbers increase before they say anything.

Hoping to stay sane and love my last few days of pretending to be pregnant!

Up and About

I'm free today! I woke up super early again, but today I was able to throw off the covers and jump into the shower! I felt renewed and ready to take on the world. Dh reminded me to take it easy since I spent the last 3 days so devoted to our implantation! DS and I had bagels at our favorite bagel place. I'm trying to avoid my favorite coffee joints right now. There is no reason to tempt myself. Then we went to Walmart for a few warm weather toys and off to the grocery store.

We went to a friends house so the kids could play. I was exhausted by 10:00. I'm not sure if my body just got used to doing nothing or my early morning got to me. I got to take a nap, but I'm still not too reenergized. This morning I wanted to do a complete overhaul cleaning, but now I'm ok with the mess. I guess my biggest ambition today was to leave the house and that was accomplished! I am going to cook dinner tonight and have vegetables that were lacking from my fast food service diet the past few days!

We are Nesting Today

Yesterday went really well! We sat down with Dr. for a consult about how many embryos we should transfer and we were all comfortable with 2 blasts. We had 2 real standouts, I forget all the grading because he just went over that so fast. We will probably have 6 blasts to freeze, they'll let us know today. I haven't slept very well for a week, averaging 4 hours a night, so when they offered a valium yesterday, I took it!! The last 2 transfers I had, the whole full bladder thing was just too much for me. it seems ridiculous that it would be so awful to me! This time I went to the bathroom right when we got into to town then drank about 32 ounces during our consult. For some reason, I wasn't as uncomfortable as before. I think they started before my bladder was crazy full. By the time my timer went off to get up, I was definitely ready to pee!

The bummer of yesterday, is DS and DH weren't in the room with me. It was a totally logistical decision. We didn't think I could relax with DS in the room after he had to sit still in the car for 3 hours. So they left to go outside and run. It is just different this time because the focus of our lives is different. So I sat alone to watch our embies float back in me. This is so calming to me!

I'm not sure how long valium lasts, but I was able to sleep really well last night! Praise God! So I sit around today. I will catch up on some reading and tackle some online continuing education courses. They said I could take a shower, but I'm really going to limit getting up to go to the bathroom.

Our prayers are that no matter what happens positive or not, we will still give God glory through our actions and thoughts. He knows what is best for our family and I have to trust in that.

Jumbled thoughts

Saturday night I didn't sleep at all! This is the first time through the whole process that my heart felt like it was in my throat. I'm not sure why I was so anxious. The embryologist was supposed to call on Sunday morning between 8 and8:30 so we could get on the road and make our appointment. I finally decided at 8:45 to get in the shower and at least get ready for church. The phone finally rang at 8:50, DH answered the phone. The report this morning was good..10 embryos all 6-9 cells. There were too many to choose from so we are waiting till Tuesday for the transfer. It is actually great news, but I was so ready to have those embies back where they belong. I also had to rearrange things that I committed to this week. I'm kind of confused because the RE just made it seem like we would definitely do day 3 transfer. We did day 5 with DS's cycle and that was great, so I should just relax!

So we went to church and that was a hard morning. There were 2 very pregnant women in my row and a bunch scattered throughout the church and 3 newborns in the back. I guess it has been a busy year for our little congregation. We sang the song "I surrendur". That is a hard song to sing and mean it with all your heart. I don't think I've ever been able to surrendur my issues with infertility. We skipped out of the potluck, cuz my heart was not in the whole small talk thing. DH totally understood and we just went out to eat and ran errands. Later that night, I went window shopping by myself and it was a great mental break.

I'm watching my friend's kids this morning and it is a good distraction(maybe too distracting). I've had 2 phone calls this morning from people that probably sense there is something going on. One was my mom and another friend that I had confided in about our possible adoption this winter. I know they are both praying for us, but know better than to ask. I can't believe I've kept it a secret this time! It will be nice after the results are in to not have to anounce bad news or wait until we're ready for an announcement. Although, it has been lonely.

So I pretty much will not know if I have positive symptoms since my body is already doing weird stuff. I got up twice last night to go to the bathroom, I'm kind of crampy, sore chest, and weird eating habits. Also, yesterday I looked up what our due date might be. HELLO! Total oversight on my part...the due date would be Christmas Eve. I will never ever complain if it is a BFP and I don't really care what time of year, what sex or anything. I just thought it was funny I was totally clueless when a baby might arrive.

The day after

So it is the day after our egg retrieval. It went really well and they worked so good with us because we had DS with us. I'm in love with the anesthesia....the best nap I've had in awhile. We arrived Wednesday night to our hotel about 10:00 and DS ran around around like crazy. Needless to say when it came time to wake up, we weren't very thrilled.

DH had a good report on his "part" of the procedure. We were excited since they said it was the best it has ever looked. Talk about a male ego boost! We all need that. I felt the same when they said my endometrium looked perfect! Yeah TEAM! They retrieved 20 eggs and were happy with that number since 4 years ago (in my 20's)we had 19.

We had a long drive home...I was a little quesy, but that went away shortly. I was a little short (ok alot short) with my family at times, but I just wanted to get home. I took another awesome nap at home. the rest of the evening and this morning, I've felt kind of sore, mostly crampy, but I don't need to take anything. DS convinced DH he wasn't tired and when I came out of my room at 4:30, he was sacked out on the floor. He has never fallen asleep like that. he is a bed sleeper and car seat sleeper only. I guess the day was long for him too.

As I was writing the last paragraph, the embryologist called with the report. I'm taking a breath of air right this very minute.....15 of 20 were mature, 15 were ICSId and 12 fertilized. I feel so blessed! I know it is still too soon to get way excited as we wait for them to grow, but this whole process is one step at a time and think it is ok to rejoice with each positive step!

I was so nervous last time about every step and my thoughts were so pessimistic. I was pretty beat up emotionally. I just wanted to be a mom and my DH to be a daddy. So much of who I wanted to be relied on the success of this treatment. Once again, it is so much easier to go through this with a child in my arms. As I waited on the table yesterday, Ds cuddled up on my lap and put his head on my chest. This was a precious moment and I'm so thankful for this.

Sunday is day 3 and they will call us in the morning and we'll know if we head down or if we are waiting for day 5. Schedule wise, day 3 works alot better for DH taking time off work, but in the scheme of everything, we just want what is best. I better get off the computer and talk to DH.

I'm Triggered

Today has been a little rough. DS was up alot last night (and previous nights) which usually means he has an ear infection. I ate a bowl of cereal at 2:00 in the morning which is way out of character. DS thought it was funny that I needed to feed the eggs. So I stayed awake last night debating if I take him to the Dr. or wait it out a little. I woke up this morning and performed my HCG test..it was positive. DH and I shared a laugh over the silliness of taking a pregnancy test. I'm pretty sure the hormone is affecting my mood today. I've been really short with DS and getting easily annoyed. He is a little more needy today from not feeling good.

His Dr. got us right in and verified my suspicion of an ear infection. Such a different experience going to his Dr. I want a lollipop after my Dr. appointment and a sticker would be nice too. I had a couple errands today, but they too got the best of me. I don't want to be a complainer as I am still so excited to be at this stage in the process. With that said, here is the laundry list: My lower back really hurts, my bottom feels pretty sore from the trigger shot, my stomach is crazy bloated and still very bruised from injections, and I'm starting to feel a little nauseous(I think I just need to eat)

I need to get all of our thing together so we can leave the house around 6:00 tonight. We need to be at the clinic at 7:30. We have to get there especially early, so I can watch DS while DH does his thing and then they can take me back and have DH watch DS. They specifically say no kids on ER day, but there was no way we could leave him here overnight and for the next day, especially since he is sick.

I guess this will be the last post until those eggs are free of me. I've enjoyed being their nest while it lasted.

God is Good!

Yesterday was a long day, but a good one. I had an E2 check and ultrasound done. I had DS with me and during the ultrasound he said, "Why are they looking at your bottom, mama?" The nurse and Dr. had a good laugh as I laid there feeling a bit exposed with no great answer for him. I'm glad he is older so he can sit still and color, but I never know quite how to answer his questions. When I got off the table he said, "mama, I don't want to see your bottom again!" I second that motion.

The results of the U/S were good. uterine lining is ready at 10.5 left and right ovary had a couple 18 and 20mm follicles, but there were a lot of 16mm that he wanted to stim one more day. He asked me to come back tomorrow(Tuesday) to check again. I just looked at him with my "you've got to be kidding...I didn't plan to stay the night...nor could I bear driving an extra trip..."look. He realized my burden after awhile of sitting and staring at me and compromised to let me just come back on Thursday for egg retrieval. I totally appreciate the attention to detail, these people are perfectionists of their trade and I would follow any protocol they felt necessary, but this just didn't seem too necessary since we know how fast the follies are growing and that they will be ready.

I trigger tonight....not sure what time yet. As I wait, I go back to my regular day of duties, but I'm constantly reminded of the excitement that is within me. I feel like a balloon that is ready to be popped. In some ways my symptoms mimick those of a pregnancy. That seems a little mean to me, but I'll take it. It might be the closest I get.

God is good! I feel like I haven't given him all the glory for this process. He blessed us with money, just enough to pay for one cycle. He guided the timing. He guided all circumstances that lead up to us being where we are now. He has guided my health, our safety driving...pretty much everything! He has protected my emotions for this roller coaster ride! I'm happy, I'm at peace, I'm excited, I've had some good night's sleep. I am thankful for all of it. My prayer is that we will continue to look to Him for wisdom and that we will honor and glorify Him.

Wow, I didn't realize how much I needed today to be a break from it all. I'm a little bummed that we aren't doing this tomorrow, but I was delayed our first time out and I have a precious son.